well I'm up and can't sleep, so I thought maybe I should write. I have a lot going through my mind. So here goes nothing.

At church we're learning about relationships and to have a strong foundation in Jesus Christ. I'm not positive on how to do that, but I think it's getting to know God, to serve him and make him your everything. The pastor said "The single years are the years you build your foundation." That got me really thinking. As you have heard I was engaged last year. A thought came to mind, What if we actually had gotten married? Would things have worked out for us?  I was soo far from the "christian" scene. Even though I was going to church, I was kind of two faced. My thinking was so messed up. I felt like I was in a fog and couldn't see clearly. Another thought came to mind, what if we had children? We weren't really following God, we were following our emotions. We were so young and didn't know anything of the world. At least I didn't. All I knew of was Stoughton, WI. I loved him a lot, but now I realized I made a good decision. Now I am reading the bible and am excited to read.  I'm learning so many things because I have allowed my heart to be open to him. Before I was just reading it cause I felt I had to. Now I want to, That's a difference! I have learned to put ALL my trust in the Lord. Honestly I don't even know how I got such a positive attitude toward life. It's like all of a sudden I don't worry and feel completely free in my thinking. All my life I have worried about something. Now I just say ok God Im trusting you! I have to trust him to know what he's doing, because I sure don't know nothing! For instance, I have been searching for a job for a few months now,and before reading and getting involved in church I would get extremely frustrated. No one would email me or call me back. I felt like giving up. Nothing was working. It was getting very discouraging. I would always ask God why is no one calling me back? Why isn't anything happening here? I mean hello am I just gonna get ignored here??  Then one day I just decided to not worry. That's right to not worry! (should have done this years ago) I thought, God will bring me a job, I know he will and left it at that. More and more days pass and I  kept looking for jobs and applying to places. I didn't give up. In my heart I had hope to get jobs, and peace. I haven't had peace in a long time. I'm so used to worrying about how am I gonna pay for things, and every time God has allowed  me to get some money. And today I had an interview! It's amazing what faith and trust can do!

   On  Friday nights we have a college group. Well This Friday will be a day I wont forget. That day I knew group was meeting and I just didn't feel like going. I didn't feel like being social with anyone. I just wanted to be in bed. But I had this gut feeling that I should go. Didn't think anything of it, asked my sister is she wanted to go, so she's like lets just go. So we went. Pastor was talking and after, he started praying about healing and I just closed my eyes and felt my heart beating. Getting faster and faster and then I just got onto the floor and started crying (not sure why) and heard God saying to me "Erin, I'm here. I love you. don't worry" That's when I lost it. I just felt happy and was crying. I felt God. He was so close. That was the first time that has happened to me. I was in awe. Then I just sat there for a little bit like saying to myself, whoa. What just happened? Then the pastors wife came to me and just patted my back as I'm still crying.  I just wanted to cry. Let it all out. I felt kinda sad that the worship ended so soon.  I felt sad deep down in my heart. All I wanted to do was cry to someone. I told Megan (pastors wife), I want friends. I need friends. Why can't I have friends? I want to have a best friend. I've been praying for awhile for that. But truth is God is my friend. It would be nice to have an earthly friend. But I'll take God any day.

I used to think that guys were everything I ever needed. Boy was I wrong. I would be on the lookout for guys all the time and still do, not gonna lie. I thought man my life's over if I can't find a good decent guy. you know what, that is absoulutly not true. I don't need a guy to fulfill my desires.  I'v learned that a relationship with God is the most important. Yeah I want to have a great relationship with a man, but God come first. Some days I feel I don't even want a guy. So much work! I'd be fine with just God. He's really all I need! But I do deep down want to find a guy who has the same goals as I. He who has a relationship with God. Plus it's very attractive! This weekend my sister had a guy friend stay with us for 3 days. And I must say it was very nice to see someone so respectful towards women. I thought to myself, wow there really are some guys still out there that are respectful and not just trying to get some. This gives me hope!