Growing pains. I have the stretch marks to prove it!

              


            Life can be very difficult, confusing, and painful. I'm sure ALL of you who read this, can understand and have gone through a trying time yourself. Well let me take you back to a moment where my life got turned upside down.

This is my story. It was July 4th 2014. Worst day of my life. I was "let go" from my "dream" job. (garden center/nursery) The devastation I felt was real. Like shock waves running through my body. First denial. "This can't be happening." Second sadness, it was sinking in. Heartbroken like my heart shattered in a million pieces. Sitting in the office on the chair sobbing, thinking of what I was going to miss. I could feel their eyes on me. I looked up after staring at the floor in disbelief, looked them in the eye, I could see there pain too. It wasn't just me. Next anger hit, and it hit hard. I was pissed. "How could you?" I worked so hard for them. Knowing everything about the company. That was my life. Gone.

 I started working there when I was 21 years old. Realized what I loved and found my passion. worked with some amazing people who I loved with all my heart. Gone in a flash. I had no idea what to think, to feel, to believe. I was devastated. I believe everything happens for a reason. God needed to change me. So he took me out where I was comfortable and put me in situations where I needed to rely on him.

When I was working there, I wasn't truly happy like I used to be. Feeling frustrated daily, I had an attitude because I was frustrated. Had absolutely no patience what so ever.  Those feelings I felt, I acted on them, not listening to truth but listening to lies in my head. I didn't know there was another way. I felt that they needed me and I could act any way I wanted to because they needed me. Wrong.( highly recommend to stay humble) I was too cocky and full of myself and talking bad about the people I love. I was feeding into the negativity, and the deep vine of gossip. It was almost an addiction. I couldn't stop. After a couple months I was still so angry at my managers and boss for letting me go. Going in to the store and still talking to people who worked there was the only way I could "feel better" about myself but it always lead to gossip. I couldn't stay away from there cause it was home for me.  I still struggle with some anger. But God had to get my attention. (Oh he got it). I was stagnate. The pot needed to be stirred. I look back to who I was then, and I understand now why they did, what they did.

 Few things I have learned. The tongue is evil. Pure and absolutely evil. It's rather disgusting. I have learned to not talk bad about ANYONE. I have no right to talk about someone badly to another human. Instead pray for them, or if having a problem with a person, DON'T TALK ABOUT THEM, GO DIRECTLY TO THEM AND SORT IT OUT. Please it could save someone or a business. Another thing I have learned is that don't make a decision based off your feelings!!! Your feelings are valid, but it doesn't mean you should act out on them and blame someone else for YOUR actions. I literally had done that my whole life. If i didn't "feel" like going to church I didn't, If I didn't "feel like working that day" I would call in. Feelings can mess with your head. I know this very well. My head feels clogged with fog quite regularly. Go take a minute and breath. (note to self)
Integrity. Always heard this word but never understood what it meant. Working for a few places in these past 5 months, I have seen some things done that isn't right. Such as planting annuals that are covered in aphids (green little bugs) in a container and leaving it.. That is NOT ok with me. Theres something deep down in my soul, that knows that's wrong and can't tolerate that behavior. Or transplanting a house plant and to not water it in??? I'm sorry, but I just can't accept that. I wont listen to you. Do the right thing!
Also knowing how to be a leader and what it means. I was always told by my dad I was a leader. Not knowing what he meant by that, other than it meaning "being in charge." Being a leader is someone who works with you, as a team. Doesn't take credit for everything, but instead says we did it! Helps people feel wanted, accepted, and good about their work. They are encouraging and want people to be the best they can. There's no I in team!


Growing isn't easy, but in a way, its kind of exciting. Call me crazy. But I'm excited that I'm growing in new ways I never would have thought. God has been working in me. He's creating me into this amazing woman with a "heart of gold" life, passion,drive and learning to understand this life and what it's about. Relationships, how to fight for them and to not give up, fighting for what you crave, learning more about God and to trust in him always. Pray for your enemies, pray for your loved ones. To know that God is with you in good days and bad.Thank him for the little things! Praise him always!

My Job!

         


         As you have read my earlier blogs a few months ago I was very unhappy with myself. Didn't know when I would get a job again. I felt like maybe I was being punished. I prayed and still had faith that God would find me a job.I know I would find one it was just a matter of time. Man, God has great timing doesn't he?! All that time waiting for a job, It was defiantly worth the wait! I have been blessed beyond blessed to have the job I have! I can't even tell you how thankful I am to be working at Garden Country Nursery. (Look it up!) I thank God everyday for my wonderful job. I feel like I'm dreaming. This doesn't feel real. You must be thinking. "Wow it's just a job" not really. It's like a little family. We look out for each other. We have fun! We laugh! I look forward to go to work. I actually get excited! It's just an environment you want to be in and never leave..

          I have been at Garden Country for little over three months and I feel like I've been there for years.. besides the experience part. I feel acceptance, loved, and wanted. I'm going to brag for a bit, but my boss Shelly really is an amazing woman. She has a great heart for people and God. I feel like I've known her my whole life. I love the fact that she tells you your doing a great job and appreciates you! I also love that she can be my boss and a friend! Yes she is my boss, and she isn't afraid to let me know that! She loves what she does and it shows. When my dad asked me a year ago " Do you think we should move" I immediately had no hesitation. I said yes I KNOW were supposed to be there. I am so glad we moved here!

           My first day at my job was seriously the best! It's all kinda a blur cause it went by so fast. But what I do remember is I went into the office to get everything ready for me to work. Get a radio, clock in and all that jazz. I was there maybe 45 minutes and a truck full of annuals shows up.. I didn't even know what annuals were at the time, sad I know. So this truck full is here and people are speed-walking to the truck. I was the second one there so I could get directions on what to do, but it happened so fast no one told me what to do. So I'm standing there like an idiot wanting to help but didn't have a clue where to even start. Moments later one of the girls yells "Erin grab the flowers take them off the cart and put them on our carts"..  a little confused on why we can't just load the flowers into the greenhouse and put them where they belong. Now I know why! It was like a race. Having flats full of flowers thrown in your face and being yelled at to put these flowers where they belong. I was sooo lost.. Finally when I got the hang of it, it went by pretty fast! I was amazed on how fast these guys can unload a truck! This is my kinda job. I was sweating in places I've never sweat before! my face was beat red. Thirsty like I was stuck in a desert for days. (dramatic much) I  looked one of the girls completely in shock on what just happened and said " That was awesome!" I was so pumped. I was thinking to myself, this is what I'm going to get paid for? I love a challenge at that was deffinelty fulfilled within 45 minutes!  Everyday got more and more easier. I was learning new things everyday. I was helping people by the minute picking out flowers that would be best in shade or sun. It was a great feeling knowing I had helped someone. I struggle with the perennials the most, because for two months all I was in was the greenhouse non-stop. Now I know how to water properly, know where all the flowers went,  if they trailed or were uprights. It's crazy how much I've learned in the three months I've been there. I had no idea about plants. Yeah they were pretty but you have to work to make them stay pretty. Over watering will make them not so pretty soo I try NOT to do that!

            Right now I'm not in the green house nearly as much as I was. I'm outside a lot more doing different kinds of tasks. Such as putting chairs and tables together or putting together a gazeebo and my favorite, cleaning!  And if you know me I love to clean! I can't help it, it's in my blood. Me and one of the guys are in the process of moving pots onto pallets and cleaning up. It's hard work, but totally worth it! I literally jumped at the opportunity to help clean the West building and the pole barn! I was so excited! I still am!  I absolutely loooove it. Thank you Jesus!
= )

So not a lot has happened  since I last wrote. When did I last write?  I think in February. well anyway I still have no job. I had an interview on Monday or Tuesday, and It was at a landscaping place. Walked in asked for the lady had an interview right there! I was nervous but excited. I've been wanting a place to just work. I need money and to get out of the house. Socialize! that's what I do! I am a people person! So I come out really happy. Thinking  to myself wow I may have a job again! I was pumped up. One days passes. nothing.. two days pass nothing.. and she told me If I hadn't heard anything in two days call her. So I call her. no one answers. Typical. So I email her telling her I called. Called an hour later. She couldn't be reached... By this time I'm getting frustrated.. So today I call and guess what?? She took the day off! I was about to go punch a goat. I've been looking for 5 months now.. What am I doing that's not working? Either God's trying to get my attention or something. because this whole looking for a job everyday for hours is getting real old.  So what I do in my spare time is look at the ceiling and wait for a bright light to shine down and have God just tell me what I'm supposed to do! Lol I wish! No I've been painting pictures. Not walls.. I have always had the passion for art. That was my favorite subject in school! Couldn't wait for art class to begin! So one day I was just sitting in my bed thinking, what in the world can I do with myself during the day, that's not so boring.. I always had painting in the back of my mind. But never thought I could do it. I was too afraid to mess up and watch myself fail at something I've always wanted to do. I had $30.00 in my bank account. I went to the craft store and looked around for paint, brushes, and paper. I was in heaven! all this stuff. I wanted everything in the painting section. Nut of course i was limited. So I got an acrylic paint set, 2 brushes and a pad of big paper. I wanted to run to the check out, because if I didn't I would change my mind about spending the last of my money. So I walk to the checkout feeling every bit of guilt you can imagine. I need to pay my phone bill, I need this, I need that.. I just shoved those things aside and paid. I had a dollar left. I get home and get my new paint stuff out. I didn't know where to start. This blank page was staring at me and making me feel already like a failure and I hadn't even started yet. I was literary paralyzed. This voice in my head was you can't do this. You just wasted all of your money, now what are you gonna do.. So what I did was grabbed a piece of paper and drew whatever came to mind whether it was scribbles, I just needed to get whatever was in my head out on paper and to see it was ok to make mistakes. That got me over the intimidation of a blank canvas. So when I started painting it wasn't going like I wanted. I was looking at it and thinking man I can't do this. Why did I ever think I could paint?? So When I "finished" I felt defeated. I knew I couldn't paint.. I felt sad. I didn't paint for maybe a week. But it was still in the back of my mind to try again. So I did. The more I painted the better I got. It was so weird. Looking back to my first one was horrible. and to see where I've become shocks me! I still can't believe I did that. I'm glad I allowed myself to be open to new things and to just try it. Why not? what's there to loose? :)

This was my first painting

second painting

3rd painting

4th painting

5th  painting



Duh I just realized I didn't sign my  newest pictures sooo I wont put those on.  but this is some progress!

well I'm up and can't sleep, so I thought maybe I should write. I have a lot going through my mind. So here goes nothing.

At church we're learning about relationships and to have a strong foundation in Jesus Christ. I'm not positive on how to do that, but I think it's getting to know God, to serve him and make him your everything. The pastor said "The single years are the years you build your foundation." That got me really thinking. As you have heard I was engaged last year. A thought came to mind, What if we actually had gotten married? Would things have worked out for us?  I was soo far from the "christian" scene. Even though I was going to church, I was kind of two faced. My thinking was so messed up. I felt like I was in a fog and couldn't see clearly. Another thought came to mind, what if we had children? We weren't really following God, we were following our emotions. We were so young and didn't know anything of the world. At least I didn't. All I knew of was Stoughton, WI. I loved him a lot, but now I realized I made a good decision. Now I am reading the bible and am excited to read.  I'm learning so many things because I have allowed my heart to be open to him. Before I was just reading it cause I felt I had to. Now I want to, That's a difference! I have learned to put ALL my trust in the Lord. Honestly I don't even know how I got such a positive attitude toward life. It's like all of a sudden I don't worry and feel completely free in my thinking. All my life I have worried about something. Now I just say ok God Im trusting you! I have to trust him to know what he's doing, because I sure don't know nothing! For instance, I have been searching for a job for a few months now,and before reading and getting involved in church I would get extremely frustrated. No one would email me or call me back. I felt like giving up. Nothing was working. It was getting very discouraging. I would always ask God why is no one calling me back? Why isn't anything happening here? I mean hello am I just gonna get ignored here??  Then one day I just decided to not worry. That's right to not worry! (should have done this years ago) I thought, God will bring me a job, I know he will and left it at that. More and more days pass and I  kept looking for jobs and applying to places. I didn't give up. In my heart I had hope to get jobs, and peace. I haven't had peace in a long time. I'm so used to worrying about how am I gonna pay for things, and every time God has allowed  me to get some money. And today I had an interview! It's amazing what faith and trust can do!

   On  Friday nights we have a college group. Well This Friday will be a day I wont forget. That day I knew group was meeting and I just didn't feel like going. I didn't feel like being social with anyone. I just wanted to be in bed. But I had this gut feeling that I should go. Didn't think anything of it, asked my sister is she wanted to go, so she's like lets just go. So we went. Pastor was talking and after, he started praying about healing and I just closed my eyes and felt my heart beating. Getting faster and faster and then I just got onto the floor and started crying (not sure why) and heard God saying to me "Erin, I'm here. I love you. don't worry" That's when I lost it. I just felt happy and was crying. I felt God. He was so close. That was the first time that has happened to me. I was in awe. Then I just sat there for a little bit like saying to myself, whoa. What just happened? Then the pastors wife came to me and just patted my back as I'm still crying.  I just wanted to cry. Let it all out. I felt kinda sad that the worship ended so soon.  I felt sad deep down in my heart. All I wanted to do was cry to someone. I told Megan (pastors wife), I want friends. I need friends. Why can't I have friends? I want to have a best friend. I've been praying for awhile for that. But truth is God is my friend. It would be nice to have an earthly friend. But I'll take God any day.

I used to think that guys were everything I ever needed. Boy was I wrong. I would be on the lookout for guys all the time and still do, not gonna lie. I thought man my life's over if I can't find a good decent guy. you know what, that is absoulutly not true. I don't need a guy to fulfill my desires.  I'v learned that a relationship with God is the most important. Yeah I want to have a great relationship with a man, but God come first. Some days I feel I don't even want a guy. So much work! I'd be fine with just God. He's really all I need! But I do deep down want to find a guy who has the same goals as I. He who has a relationship with God. Plus it's very attractive! This weekend my sister had a guy friend stay with us for 3 days. And I must say it was very nice to see someone so respectful towards women. I thought to myself, wow there really are some guys still out there that are respectful and not just trying to get some. This gives me hope!

:)

God says "Do not worry, but instead pray about everything." Easier said than done. Being in an unfamiliar place was very scary to say the least. We didn't know where anything was. Knew no one. I felt lost in this unknown place that is now called home.  All I could think was, am I going to make friends?  What kind of people am I going to meet? All these thoughts were coming to the surface.  I was a very weak girl on the inside. I looked tough on the outside but really, I was scared. We all were. I wasn't confident in who I was. I was growing farther and farther away from God.  I didn't know why God brought us here. Everyday was a struggle. It was difficult to comprehend that this was our home now. No going back. That was a scary thought. When am I gonna see my family again? I missed my grandparents. But I knew this was where we had to be.

Summer was rough. We were all up in each others grill. My 3 younger siblings had to start a new school. I know how that is. I went to a new school every year up until high school. I knew they were scared. I could see it in there eyes. I felt there pain. I tried helping them by getting out the house and go to the park.  Explore a little, but most of the time they rejected my offer. I hated seeing them suffer. It was hard on me because I loved to go out and doing new things, but they wanted to stay in. I didn't know how to help them. By the end of  summer we were about to rip each others heads off. It was brutal, let me tell you! Finally school had started up! I went with my mom to pick them up after their first day. Natalie walks into the van and says "I hate this school" My mom and I look at each other like ohh crap. Rachel and Chris seemed to have liked it! We felt relived. They made a few friends. Weeks pass and stories of school were sounded more and more positive! Finally some happiness was seeping through. Praise the Lord!

Meanwhile Ashley and I were homeward bound. Of course we looked for jobs. But we still didn't know what to do with our time, We were jealous that Rachel, Chris and Natalie got to get out of the house and be with actual people other than our family. About a month later Ashley enrolled at Colorado Art Institute for photography. And I got a job cleaning houses! Finally things were looking great! I got a job. Although it was part time, it was getting me out of the house, that was more exciting. The first house I cleaned had a bathroom with a view of the mountains right there, In the back yard! I was flipin out with excitement! I just stared and absoulutly amazed by this beauty! I was speechless. Then my boss comes in and starts laughing at me. They made fun of me because I was so taken by the mountains. They told me to bring a camera! (which I didn't.) I loved cleaning houses and driving around seeing all this newness! It was the best feeling in the world. I just stared out the window admiring this beautiful city. All that driving around helped me get to know the place better. Sadly the job didn't last long due to an hour of driving back and forth wasn't worth the gas for a part time job. But I learned a lot from my boss. She was going through a very hard time with her family and always came to work with a smile on her face. She had a very positive attitude towards life. And I just didn't get it. How can she be happy when her life is going through this difficult time? She always seemed to amaze me. On how someone can be so strong at a tough time. I admired that. Anytime something hard happens in life, I will think of her.

Right now everything seems to be going pretty good for all of us! My dad gets a steady paycheck, which is awesome! My mom just had an interview on Friday. So we will see how that goes. Ashley just turned 20 yesterday in fact. and is working at Ruby Tuesdays while attending school part time. Rachel, Chris, and Natalie all have friends and are happy with where things are, which is very very good! And as for me, I am still unemployed but am going to meet with a lady who helps disabled people with her horses. SO I meet her on Wednesday and am super pumped! I have been reading the bible a lot more than I have ever in my life. I feel I am learning new things in each reading! Our church is fasting, but I decided I'm not going to participate. I'm not ready for that yet. I've been attending a college group on Friday nights, and have been really enjoying it! People are so nice and they greet you with a handshake! Still getting used to that! Also  I've been working out for a month now everyday for an hour and been lifting some weights. I think I may be addicted now! Lately I just have been so happy and I don't even know why. I'll have these feelings of wanting to burst with excitement. Just feel like screaming. Maybe its from working out? Who knows..

I thank God for all he has done for us. I truly feel blessed. Thank you Jesus! And can't wait to see what you have in store for us! : )

first blog!

OK.. So here it goes my first blog!  Well I guess I can start by saying a little about me. My name is Erin, I am 21 years old. I am the oldest out of 5 kids. 4 girls and a "finally", as my dad calls him.. We recently moved to Colorado, about 7 months ago.. Let's go back to almost a year ago.. We were living in a small town in Wisconsin called Stoughton. It consisted of about 12,000 people. It was where we all grew up. This was home. Everyone knew everyone.. well just about. . I had been in a relationship with a guy and were engaged. We were so happy. Finally I had found someone who I could trust with my heart. Things seemed to be going really good.. well for me. But my parents not so much. Financially they've been struggling since I was born. Something just wasn't working. My dad was working to much and I felt he wasn't getting what he deserved. He was tired. Exhausted. Unhappy.. He didn't know what to do. He'd been looking around for work. Nothing seemed to be working out. Until one day he found an ad on craigslist in Denver.. Didn't think much of it, sent another ordinary email. Well a few hours later he gets a call. Little did we know that call changed our lives forever.

Within a week my dad was going to do the most adventurous most daring thing he's ever done. Move to Denver. He bought a truck, new clothes, and was on his way. Hardest thing our family's ever done. He was gone for 3 months. We had to live life without him. It was different, but I knew this was good for us. All of us. So back to me! We just resumed being together. We didn't know what to do, If we should stay together, if he should move with, if I should stay back. It was hard. I didn't know what to do.. I knew exactly what I wanted.  I wanted him to move with us. Well that wasn't going to happen. He was in the army and he wanted to pursue that. So May 26th  came and it was moving day. It was a mix of emotions. I was happy to get out of Stoughton.. and couldn't wait to be in a new place with mountains! I love the mountains.(I look at them everyday!) My now ex drove with us to help us move. 18 long draining hours in a van was soon to be over. We arrived at the house we are renting at 2:00 am and couldn't wait to get out of the freakin van and just lay down!  When we got in we looked around then noticed the carpets were wet from getting shampooed.. just our luck. We didn't care, we just wanted to sleep. So that afternoon we unpacked and got settled in. I couldn't believe we were in Colorado. It was like I was dreaming. I just couldn't fathom where we were! I was beyond excited! Still was wondering what would happen to Nathan and I. About a month and a half later I decided to take a plane for the first time ever by myself to see Nathan. i was missing him. I wasn't scared like I usually get when I do new things. I knew God was with me. I could feel his peace. It was the best feeling ever. I stayed in Wisconsin for 2 weeks. I must say it was the best 2 weeks of my life. We went up north camping! It was soo fun! I will cherish those memories forever, but it ended too soon When we got to the airport to go home, I sat on his lap crying, hugging him tight because I didn't want to go. They called my gate I went up looked back at him teary eyed and that day was the last day I would see him. Ever.We broke up a bit after that. Hardest thing to go through. He was my first love. and with moving I had no friends for support. I felt so alone, in a dark, dark place. All I remember was being angry at everything and crying myself to sleep of the thoughts of his arms around me. His scent. His lips. it was all gone.. my life was falling apart. I felt so hopeless, alone. Questioning everything. God was there even though I couldn't feel him.. He was feeling my pain. He endured the same pain, but physically. Today I am a very different person than I was a few months ago. I am a stronger person. I am happy to be alive. I love looking out at the mountains! I thank him everyday for bringing us out here. Even though it was extremely hard emotionally for all of us to leave our family and friends, I wouldn't change a thing!